That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
