My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
cat food counts as protein by the way
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
