he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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