Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Randomize
