either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
