Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Holy sore nipples Batman
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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