If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
