She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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