nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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