I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
