I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
