hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
