Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
