fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
