There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
