There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Do you have feelings for this penis?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
