I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Randomize
