she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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