Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
