Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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