U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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