i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
