Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I just want nice things and good sex
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
