You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
two words: eviction party
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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