Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Randomize
