the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
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