Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
