Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
