I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
