Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
porn star boner night. come get it.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
