Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
