the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
