wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
ugly people sure do ruin things
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
