I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Let's get the cat blown out
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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