If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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