So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
How does it feel to date your dad?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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