Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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