i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
