There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
