areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
