if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I'm going to jail i love you
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Randomize
