It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
