Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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