I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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