he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
