good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
