Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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