Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
