So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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