Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
